Teenage love?...A PAINFUL INNOCENCE

I am a person that never seems to make up my mind. Today I went to fellowship and watched the video again. Gave me a lot of inspiration and make me what to change my mind. I am really confused what to do is the best for me. The thing is, what I have been worrying and thinking about is that is it necessary to start this relationship. What changes and consequences will it bring? Is it good or bad mostly? The video, however, seems to successfully provide a reason for me to change my mind and start over. It is to try, to explore, to find, to know. Love is a wonderful thing that its true meaning is always hard to achieve. And if the deep and sacred meaning of love is being distorted, then everything will end up disastrous. The "love" between ordinary human beings are conditional love, even if they are not willing to admit. "Loving a person" only because they love you back, or they bring you happiness. Only bacause they care about you and treat you good. If all of these reasons do not exist, then you will not love that person anymore, even hate him. Conditional love is pathetic, but it is realistic. As human nature is selfish, nothing can change this permanent truth. Saying I love you is not romatic, it is a threat, a pressure, a warning. It is implying that you should love me in return. Every action has a selfish reason. Like changing for another person. This seems totally altruistic. However, am I changing because of u? Or because I want to? Or because I know when I change, you will and must love me more? Little did we know that this is not the meaning of true love. True love is unconditional, like the love to human by God. So next time, think carefully when you say these three seemingly colloquial little word. As when you say it, you promise to love that person no matter what happen to him, even if he don't love you. Love is not buying and selling, don't think that you will get the equal amount back according to what you give. It is impossible. Demanding more love is impractical, silly, and dangerous. Saying I love you foolishly, without thinking with your brain, is not romantic. It is sad. You will regret in the near future.

Anyway, I made up my mind today. Because I think I have the motive to further understand this person. My purpose of starting this relationship though, may be totally different from his purpose. This makes me fearful. His attitude of begging, bargaining makes me unpleasant. But at the end I succeed to make a difficult decision, despite the fact that it may be a stupid one, and I am proud. Hope I can do my best to satisfy him, and hope in return he can keep his promises.

Turning point of my life: A HAPPY-FOOLISH START=)

Grown Out of Protection: "Friend" or "Enemy"

Once heard a Chinese Idiom "Rather walking thousand miles than reading a thousand books". This is so true. To be frank, I still have a wee bit of regret deep inside my heart of coming over here to continue my studies. However, I have to admit that it made me experienced a lot. It made me recognize that the world is not as simple as I thought. I made me understand that only family counts most in the world. The past week of my life is filled with tears. I don't remember exactly how many times did I cry, how many times my heart ached, how many times I felt confused, scared, unprotected, isolated, cold, and dirty. Human beings are very complex animals indeed, with thousands kind of emotions. Moreover, they can have thousands ways of killing others, destroying the world. Just a simple club can make me see how fragile the relationships between human beings are. How people's minds are override by jealousy and self-benefits. They are all overwhelmed with competition, and no one cares about the lost of childlikeness in mankind. Jesus once said: If a person wants to be in heaven, he needs to give up everything and embrace god happily like a child. Child symbolizes purity, simplicity, happiness, and selflessness. People in this deteriorating world are shallow. They can't see what is more important, what is less. The events that happened (which lead me to these thoughts) are about our club, and also about 2 friends. First, about our club. Today is the election of the club, and I am not really very excited. Actually, I am even a bit frustrated and disappointed, thinking that I was stupid to be running for secretary. (At that time, Zoie and I were already sad because of how tense the competition got. Then, when we are actually elected, we are having a fight with the President.) One candidate, running for the President, today mentioned in his speech that the main purpose of this club is to link everyone together, to have fun, to create an alignment between students. (He even mentions that he feels happy being in our club this semester, which is kind of ironic-too good to be true-but exhilarating. Many ideas, many leading directions mentioned which is good to hear (but I doubted can it really come true?) Yes, he is absolutely right about creating alignment. It is easy to say and hard to do. I am extremely ashamed when he mentioned this. In retrospect, all I remember us doing as executive board was arguing, having useless meetings not about activities but about plans and administrative stuff, slandering, personal attacking, miscommunications, distrusting...All we once said as the missions of our club is broken by us, by our hands and mouths. The alignment we are supposed to build between students becomes a knife between the executive board. This is life. Things will always contradict, and the things you promised to do will never be done. The email I sent out for the dismissal of the President is a "no other choice" option. When I was sending out the email, my heart was crying inside. I am sorry for him, for the consequences he would need to bare. I struggle for long whether I did the right thing. It is due to I fully understand the whole truth of the situation and I respect the decisions of other members that I have the courage to send the email. However, what make me more disappointed are the people’s reactions after the email is sent. This makes me realize that what people say cannot be trusted easily. In a world like this, nothing is always true, and nothing will always remain. Only change is perpetual. In order to protect themselves and survive, people would do everything like twisting the truth or shifting responsibilities. Sometimes when you think you are commenting on an event, you are already harming others. I remember one of my professor taught us just to think and not to talk too much.."empty vessels makes most sounds" this is exactly what she said. Sometimes we may think it is not a big deal, especially to things not related to us. A great example is the Virginia attack recently happened. Commenting on the attack may seems ok, but just think of the families that lost their sons in this attack. More harm is done. Some people comment on the email, saying who is right and who is wrong. Some are very happy to see the email as the President, they believe, is a scum. Some are very angry, as they are friends with the President. Standing at his point of view, they are not too objective. People are faking and pretending, always. I once thought that when you treat people nicely, and always wear a smily face, people will treat you good in return. However, I am wrong. It is not a must that people treat you good, it is not a must that they smile back. And if they really do smile, it may not be a truthful smile. They faked it. They hated you in the heart and want you to die. Yet, they managed to smile and call your name sweetly, kindly. This makes me feel chilly. Human..so complicated that I can never touch the inside, never understand. I just survive the second election recently (on a Monday), and I can totally feel the tense relationship. Each other is guessing other's plans. No one is real. No one is happy. No one has a heart any more. There is a quote in a book :“Time takes everything, Vahan. But your heart, your character, your faith, do not belong to time. So build your home here. And make the home strong, make the home beautiful. Then you will always be safe, and you will never be alone.” This is true. No matter what changes along with time, don't let your heart change. Everything can fluctuate, but not your spirit.
Second, about 2 friends. Just a very simple and stupid event taught me more about evilness of human nature. One of my friend (I don't know what was her purpose, or if she thinks it was fun) pretended to be me, to chat with my other friend. I should not say chat..she is teasing and playing. She told him to FxxK OFF!! My scolded friend then came and scold me, told me he was disappointed in me. He told me a lot about relationships and life.

In the past, my definitions of friends had always been clear and sincere... but I was wrong. I finally understand what "friends" are...how lucky I am to have met you all...Who can I trust afterall? You will know eventually maybe, according to their action.

START to protect YOURSELF now!

My Birthday Personality: quite accurate :)

The day before my bday〔太陽‧幸運之輪〕

代表人物：王貞治

勇猛、剛毅、機智，善於掌握時機，開創大局；具有非常好的直覺能力和溝通能力 ，見解獨到，實事求是。

優點是非常主動、積極，做事有效率；勇敢，大膽，敢冒險。

缺點是太衝動，缺乏思考；自我中心，不太關心別人的需求。

My bday〔月亮‧堅強〕

代表人物：瑪莎‧葛蘭姆

具有豐富的想像力和創造力，藝術才華很高；有與眾不同的看法和想法，特立獨行 ，表現不是卓越不凡就是驚世駭俗。

優點是才華橫溢，有獨特的自我主張和過人的勇氣，引人注目。

缺點是作風獨特，曲高和寡，與現實脫離，易被孤立。

The day after my bday〔木星‧懸吊者〕

代表人物：凱薩琳‧赫本

堅強、剛毅，具有犧牲奉獻的精神；擁有獨特的行事風格，堅持自己的哲學和原則；聰明、有智慧，能力很強。

優點是擁有很好領導和管理能力，果敢，決斷力強。

缺點是對事情要求太嚴苛，不願隨俗，自樹一格

Fellowship: listen to God singing in your heart

Getting busier these days again=v= However, there are tons in my brain that I need to write about, to share. I plan to finish the entry about the video later, coz recently I have sth of higher importance to share. Sth about sinning, about purity, about god. Did I ever mention about the Christian Fellowship that I joined in school? I have been in the fellowship since the first semester, and it is really fun. I could say it is the only place where I can put down my worries, anxiety, pressure for a little while. It is a place where I found love and care, happiness, and truth. It is a place of sunshine and warmth. Yes, it is. Not a hyperbole. We are playing "angel and master" right now. Haha,,and I just received some chocolate.
So,,yesterday we watched a program held by a priest. He is a very good presenter. And may I say the biggest difference of Catholicism and Christianity is the way to present things. As a catholic myself, I am more used to the sacred, honored, and stiff way of presenting god's message to us. And I found it uncomfortable how Christians are being dramatically expressive. (What I am referring to here is like praying aloud, or having personal sharing) However, I do think that for today's society (especially if your targets are teenagers), the method of Christianity is more effective. The priest I mentioned about used a very humorous and casual way to present the bible message. He often uses personal experiences to explain which even appeals to me more. Being casual is good sometimes, it doesn't mean that you don't respect. Every human is a sinner right? So why should you pretend to be sacred? It is ok to be a sinner. Back to the point, he mentions that there are 4 components for sin: Innate sin intention, Actual sin, Consequences/a mark from sin, and Price to pay for sin. Definition for sin in Christianity is sth to suppress/control/lock you up, that you can't be free inside. Sin doesn't only points to the bad consequences. It is a feeling, or a situation which you are locked up, your intension cannot be exposed. People fall into temptations easily, because we are just week soles, merely on top of the animals because we are rational.
Then he talked about love and sex, which is a great temptation. Shockingly enough, the sex hierarchy is turned upside down. Meaning, a large number of people actively having sex in the world are of the age range of 10-15. However, the people aged 25 or above can still be virgins. What a world. Is it means that teenagers today are getting mature earlier, both physically and mentally? Is it, then, something to be happy about? It makes me feel sorrowful though. I am afraid, that I would become a part of them, losing my mind and reasons because of "love". He also mentions that everyone is born imperfect, and every life is not fully filled until you find your one, and only one partner. Pray for your partner always, that he can find you. Pray for him that he will not fall in temptations. Pray to god, to give you inspirations about who is the one. Everyone will sin. Even moral saints like Jesus make mistakes. However, the most important thing is to repent sincerely to god. There is a list to repenting: Admit, Regret, Wash, Tell, Free.
There is a part about parents and abortion and stuff. I don't quite remember what it was about now. I do remember though, that I cried severely during a prayer, helping the parents to say sorry to the children. It was really touching. We will continue watch the VCD in fellowship. They are so meaningful.
I wanted to borrow them; however, Tiffany said that we can't burn them. Luckily, she said she's bought another set which he talked about similar things. She burned them to me on May. And I decided to take them back to HK.

ETHICS: You think you are a SAINT? (then stop criticizing, and act!)

Yippe! My english class is canceled for today. I am in my room right now, and was surfing the internet absently and unconsciously a moment ago. I was meant to be relaxing, but I couldn't believe how this casual act and the cancel of a class affects me. How much of inspirations and thoughts come to me. As you may notice, I write more frequently nowadays, as I find writing really comforting especially you don't have anything better to do. My father is right. Words are full of magic, they can mean a lot to people. When you write, it is a kind of deep reflection, deep enough to hear what god tells you, what your inner thought is. So, this inspiration I was talking about is from a friend's xanga. She posted a video from youtube, which is about a 20 year old adult refuses to give the seat next to him (with his bag on it) to an 82 year old man. My friend's reflection on this video clip is: It's hard to resist shouting "Shame on you!" Occupying two seats and flaring into an argument with an 82 year old elder. How pathetic and riduculous can people get? It is youngsters like this that bring us shame. Honestly, are people even EDUCATED nowadays? I thought we were the CIVILIZED crowd. Unbelievable.....(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0vwAcE7Rd0)
I coundn't agree more with her. Yes, the whole thing is ridiculous, especially the attitute of the young man. He is definitely wrong and deserve punishment. However, as I watch the video, I started wondering the real purpose of this video. I start symphathizing the young man.
Hong Kong is now "overemphasising on ethics" may I say? I am not quite sure what I mean here, but allow me to continue. Through the video, I can observe several kinds of people treating this matter in different ways. First, which is the least, is the kind of "non-of-my-business" group. They took a more passive approach, and choose to just sit and watch what is going on in a corner. They may giggle sometimes, or may whisper into each others ears about their opinions to the incident. But when the camera is towards them, they will immediately drop their heads. Second is the "cacophonous, snoopy, butting into other people business"kind. This group is nosy and loves to instigate arguement for entertainment. They love to be unreasonable and repetitive when arguing, but will win by their boisterous voices. When the camera is towards them, they are even more loud and preposterous. They have a hidden intention to be a star maybe, causing them to gain attention desperately. Just to let you know, this group may be called the "bitchy group" as well. The third is the "ironic/sarcastic with humor" group. This group won't take the incident so seriously. They will subtly, slyly imply what they think by jokes and laughes. They love to inch (bare my language).

Another me in Another corner: we feel the same

mymy=)This is soo miraculous!! Yesterday I re-read my diary, coz I always think it is a fun thing to do and this can show how much I grow. Then I discover, I am a foreshadower!
For the past couple of weeks, I have been down and depressed. I am very confused and lost. I don't exactly know why I have these feelings. But I may say because of home sickness, choice phobia, and the danger of assimilation. Being all alone in a foreign country with no family really doesn't feel nice. I got a feeling that I don't belong to anywhere, anyone. I am afraid of all the changes I encountered here. I was accustomed to the way I used to live in my country. Accustomed to the faces of my friends and all. And suddenly I was put in an isolated island, need to be independant, need to make choices, need to think about "future" to survive. How scary..
When I came to the page on my diary which I wrote during Christmas, I came across sth interesting-an entry. This entry is of nothing ordinary! It is magical, it reflects exactly how I feel now and I found it comforting. Reading what you wrote before really feels good=) Strange enough though, you will never believe what you wrote, and never remember how and why you can write these words. Words are beautiful, they are like magic..
In that entry, I found myself questioning about whether there is anyone in the world feeling the same as me right now..Unbelivably I know the answer now. There is!! The past weekend, I had a conversation with a past classmate on the phone. She is studying in California right now, and is feeling exactly the same what I am feeling. Her situation is actually quite similar to me, both in the past and now. We are both studying in the same primary and secondary school for 11 years until Form 5. We both experienced the same campus life, shared the same memories, and was exposed to the same atmosphere of learning. And most importantly, we didn't this it is sth worth treasuring, we took it for granted. We got through the HKCEE together and survive. WE SHARED A LOT IN COMMON. And..we still are. We are now studying in the same foreign country. We both have a chance to stay in our school for Form 6, as our results are quite of satisfaction. Given this chance, it is absolutely normal that we both have a wee bit of regret having to choose to study HERE. Our school is so wonderful, and I am sure after our experiences in it, nothing can replace the status of our school in our hearts. Ironically, we have to face the reality here. People are totally different from schholmates in the past. Learning atmosphere is totally different too. We are scared, that we will lose the faith and the spirit given to us to our school. We want to pass the spirit on, however, we are in face of the danger of assimilation instead. We are insecure, we are exposed to the real world now and no longer in the greenhouse built by our teachers. We regret. We know that we shouldn't, that we should treasure what we have now instead. But we couldn't. It is not easy, especially when you share the things in common with us. There will be an evil thought of whether you have made the right choice or not. And the more you read your schoolmates' xanga, the more you keep in contect with them, the more sad you will be. This is evil...envying people. However, knowing that people stayed in our school can experience so much, and have so much fun will make me sad. I cannot help it. They have trips, exchange programmes. They visited the court or sth. They have TQs and activities going on. SO GREAT!! But I know I need to learn how to let go, and appreciate the things put forth to me now, things that people will envy too. I need to truely be happy for them, as they are growing in our school, carrying out the spirits that we are carrying out now as well, but in a different country. I need to be grateful, that they are contributing to our school, making it a better place. When we can finally have a chance to chat, they will tell me all about it, and in their eyes, I can feel and share their happiness. There is always sth good in ur life, no matter how bad you think it is. It depends on whether you can discover it, whether you can treasure it, to make your life a better and wonderful life.